Just a quick little blurp... Because it's currently frustrating me. No, not pregnant (that I know of anyway). Just to clarify.
DH wants to name our next son Hunter Thomas. And he's NOT hearing me when I say "NO!". That was the name we agreed on for Joseph before he passed away. I'm just not okay with the name. It'll never belong to that child. It's someone elses name that never got it. And I just can't see my next child having that name. I mean, as long as he gets a good middle name, I can call him by that... because his mother won't call him Hunter unless he's in trouble! But it's just frustrating that he won't consider MY feelings on the name. His dad picked it out and that's his argument. I'm not against the name, but not as a first name.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Gotta VENT! Well, and catch up.
So, where did I leave off? Ohh, I was going crazy. Well, I got that part fixed. They put me on Lexapro after I finally admitted to myself I was losing my mind. I seriously couldn't breathe or function without crying and I cried ALL the time about nothing. I guess I was on that for about a 28 days before Tom finally told his mom that we were going to try for a baby. I'm definitely leaving some stuff out inbetween... like me getting a job and being absolutely miserable until after I got medicated... and I cared about a lot of things I hadn't cared about in a long time.
So I quit taking the Lexapro about a month now, I guess it would be. I quit taking my birth control and now we're just kinda waiting for life to happen. Literally. I expected to be more nervous, maybe a little scared. But I'm actually oddly comfortable and calm about the idea of trying again. At first I thought that I didn't want one... but I think that was mostly me trying to protect my "best interests". I have a hard time being weak-and I feel that's what I've been since I've been with Tom. It's hard for me to not protect myself and let someone else do it for me.
And onto the venting portion. Fuck, life just sucks sometimes. I guess I should just know better than to expect people to use common sense just because I do. I don't get it. I truly don't. For example... my sister. Such a sore subject if you know her... but the thing is is she's got a son that's about 18 months, whom has spent most of his life with my mom and step dad in Challis and has spent the other half of his life being juggled between states, between homes... he's going to grow up fucked up because of her inconsistency. And she still sends him to bed with a bottle because it's easier for her. I finally unblocked her on facebook so I could tell her how I feel and she called my mom crying because I attacked her, when in all actuality I actually attacked her shitty parenting skills. I'm sure I won't be a top knotch parent, but I'd like to believe that I'd be better than her. I just don't know what to do with her. I've decided that it's probably for the best that she blocked me this time because then I don't have to worry about her nonsense wandering into my life. I'd like to uninvite them from the family gift exchange soley based on the way she's been acting, but according to mother, that's just not appropriate. Oh to be the baby sister...
I've decided I want to go to school for nursing so that I can work with the elderly. Who knows when that'll happen though. There's evidently a really good nursing program here but it's evidently hard to get into. I don't really know what I need to do to have a qualifying chance but I think it would be fun. Is it bad though, that the reason I want to work with them is because I miss my own grandparents and want to borrow someone elses for a while? The reason I've gotten this far in my thought process is because of the job I have right now where
I deliver oxygen to people. I absolutely love my patients, and my boss right now... but I know just as soon as I say I'll stay, she'll turn psycho on me again. She's the primary reason I'm quitting. I was treated soooo poorly by her. And then ever since I got medicated (and got off of it) I'm the better person and more mellow/laid back. It's not a bad thing, I guess. I just wish that I could do what I'm doing, minus the delivering so that I can have this awesome office job and still get/be pregnant and work too. Oh well. Things will happen the way they're supposed to.
Sorry this is kinda all over the place. It's from lack of sleep and trying to beat the clock to bedtime. Ughh. Thanks for reading my nonsense.
So I quit taking the Lexapro about a month now, I guess it would be. I quit taking my birth control and now we're just kinda waiting for life to happen. Literally. I expected to be more nervous, maybe a little scared. But I'm actually oddly comfortable and calm about the idea of trying again. At first I thought that I didn't want one... but I think that was mostly me trying to protect my "best interests". I have a hard time being weak-and I feel that's what I've been since I've been with Tom. It's hard for me to not protect myself and let someone else do it for me.
And onto the venting portion. Fuck, life just sucks sometimes. I guess I should just know better than to expect people to use common sense just because I do. I don't get it. I truly don't. For example... my sister. Such a sore subject if you know her... but the thing is is she's got a son that's about 18 months, whom has spent most of his life with my mom and step dad in Challis and has spent the other half of his life being juggled between states, between homes... he's going to grow up fucked up because of her inconsistency. And she still sends him to bed with a bottle because it's easier for her. I finally unblocked her on facebook so I could tell her how I feel and she called my mom crying because I attacked her, when in all actuality I actually attacked her shitty parenting skills. I'm sure I won't be a top knotch parent, but I'd like to believe that I'd be better than her. I just don't know what to do with her. I've decided that it's probably for the best that she blocked me this time because then I don't have to worry about her nonsense wandering into my life. I'd like to uninvite them from the family gift exchange soley based on the way she's been acting, but according to mother, that's just not appropriate. Oh to be the baby sister...
I've decided I want to go to school for nursing so that I can work with the elderly. Who knows when that'll happen though. There's evidently a really good nursing program here but it's evidently hard to get into. I don't really know what I need to do to have a qualifying chance but I think it would be fun. Is it bad though, that the reason I want to work with them is because I miss my own grandparents and want to borrow someone elses for a while? The reason I've gotten this far in my thought process is because of the job I have right now where
I deliver oxygen to people. I absolutely love my patients, and my boss right now... but I know just as soon as I say I'll stay, she'll turn psycho on me again. She's the primary reason I'm quitting. I was treated soooo poorly by her. And then ever since I got medicated (and got off of it) I'm the better person and more mellow/laid back. It's not a bad thing, I guess. I just wish that I could do what I'm doing, minus the delivering so that I can have this awesome office job and still get/be pregnant and work too. Oh well. Things will happen the way they're supposed to.
Sorry this is kinda all over the place. It's from lack of sleep and trying to beat the clock to bedtime. Ughh. Thanks for reading my nonsense.
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