I'm going crazy. Fast.

Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm not sure what I am, or who I am. Sometimes I can't tell which side is up, which makes the turbulance of the waves even worse. I have this friend, who doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through. She doesn't seem to get the fact that I'm not just out for self pity. That I ACTUALLY can't socialize sometimes. It takes every ounce of my body to get up in the morning, take a shower, get ready and paint on a happy face just to go to work. Where I don't feel appreciated and get run ragged all day long. Which makes me tired, cranky and upset. Only to have the pressure of a "friend" who always wants me to go to her house (about 10-15 miles out of town, opposite direction of my house) to do nothing. I don't want to socialize. There's days I don't like the face in the mirror, let alone anyone elses face. I don't know if that's normal, but I just can't do this. I thought I was doing so well, and then suddenly I'm not. There's just so many things running through my head. Part of me doesn't want friends, part of me does. But the part that wants friends, doesn't want to "burden" them with my self pity trip. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I just want to lock myself away from everyone and disappear.

Frustration and Disrespect. And not settling for 2nd best.

My sister announced on her Facebook that she's about 9 weeks pregnant. I just don't understand how a person can announce something like that so early. I waited, like my mother told me to (guilty of being a momma's girl), until after my 1st trimester, until out of my "danger zone" before telling God and everyone my "awesome news". That's not the part that's truly frustrating. It's me being in Wyoming, her in Boise, homeless, her husband a lazy and worthless person that's willing to take handouts from a church over transferring to his gas station attendant job like he was supposed to. I think losing a child makes me more tender to them. My nephew is 18 months and is being tossed around like a hacky-sack. He's been bounced from my sister's husand's parents house, to my mom's house when my dumb sister filed for divorce, only to go back to him 4 months later... where they lived until the beginning of September... to my dads house because they had no place to go. NOW, my sister and her dumb husband are, or were living in this little stinking motel with a kitchen in it in Boise because my sister stuck her nose where it doesn't belong and got herself kicked out. My mom took Benjamin home with her because my sister couldn't afford to feed him. I told my mom today that if she doesn't keep him, then I'm going to call CPS on my sister. We have to look out for the children. She's having children and not looking out for their best interests like she SHOULD be. I wish, for 10 seconds, she could feel how I feel and have a little "ah-ha" moment to realize what she's doing is WRONG. I'm not jealous of her and the fact that she's having another when I lost mine. I'm angry that she's just popping them out and not giving it a 2nd thought. She's planning on living off the state, obviously. Since neither her or Justin are getting jobs. It's kind of disgusting to think about.

On a positive note, I'm switching doctors. Hopefully this new one is as awesome as I've been told he is.  I'm hoping this new one will be my saving grace. I don't want to go to a doctor that forgets or can't even read a chart 10 seconds before our meeting to know that I lost my child and it's not going to be attending the appointment. He had said, or told my nurse, that I'd be a perfect candidate for the TAC (transabdominal cerclage), so I'm hoping this new doctor sees it the same way. I'm not settling for a cerclage procedure with a less successful rating. I'm NOT going through this again. I'm ready to move forward. As soon as I get this appointment done, and the TAC done too, I'm making that next move. I need to. Those are 3 words I never thought I'd say, but I'm ready.