I Have To Admit.

The thing that I hate most about Gillette, is the shitty memories I've made since being here. I didn't really want to move here in the first place, but what was I supposed to do? Be pregnant, live with my Mom and be a bum? NO THANKS. So I got married and moved to Hell. This isn't supposed to be a pity trip... It's just "the beginning". We moved here, we lived with "T's" "best friend" and his wife who treated us like crap and were hot and cold toward us the whole time we lived there, we had to sleep on this bed set that I inherited from my Grandparents that was super old and uncomfortable (and any pregnant person WOULD bitch, just saying), and then we lost our baby. All this in 2.5 months.

Today (now yesterday), I was driving home from a friends house when something hit me. It took me back to June 6th; The day I would LOVE to have erased from the calendar. The day we lost our son. I didn't want to get up early to go yard saling. I wanted to SLEEP. All I did was sleep, but weekends were the GREATEST time to sleep in for some reason. But we got up, showered, I wore a relatively new dress that I'd bought last summer for a trip to California. It still had the tags on it. Put make up on, did my hair all cute. We had breakfast, went out to this place called Sleepy Hollow. It's a large subdivision made up of older 2 story style houses. Sleepy Hollow does this subdivision yard sale thing where everyone pulls out their stuff and puts a high dollar on it. It's like an expensive thrift store... so you walk through, window shop and gawk at all the ridiculous prices. We spent 2 hours wandering through, looking at all the houses and their treasures. The same patch of houses I have to drive past to go to a friends house. It was the last pleasant memory I have before life as I knew it crumbled around me. But it TOTALLY sucks. There's sooo many things I would have done differently while I was pregnant... but I would never change what's happened.

I don't regret my son. I just regret the loss of him. It's nothing I could have prevented and there was no way of knowing IT could "happen". A friend had said in something that she wrote, that losing a baby is something that "happens" to people who didn't receive the proper prenatal care. Losing a baby is something only "happens" to people who do drugs and other bad things. It doesn't "happen" to us-the people who wanted a baby. People who had plans for their child. Never a plan to go home from the hospital empty handed. People who received the proper care. People who were in the beginnings of having a perfectly healthy baby. Because we HAD received the proper care and made good decisions. We HAD done right by our babies. But as fate would have it, our plans have been dashed. And we'll always be one step behind or ahead of our friends who never have to experience this. One step behind, being we're the people who are broken hearted. Having to go on with our lives, having one physical child less than anyone can physically see. But one step ahead, because we've "been there, done that" and we're mentally prepared for the worst. Should it step in our way again. "Because it will." I don't want to be one step ahead OR behind ANYONE. I want to even with everyone else. I don't want to be standing in this "window", watching my friends perfect lives, having perfect husbands and perfect pregnancies, and going home with perfect babies. I want to be one of them, never having to detach yourself from a pregnancy to make it through it, just in case. Basking in all the pregnancy glory. I can't be one of those people. I can't be someone who enjoys life's every minute. I have a missing puzzle piece. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't the dog that ate it.

FitPregnancy.com and the mass amounts of CRAP I read...

This one will be rather short. I'm just documenting the fact that I broke down and bought a book... on amazon.com actually, for... GET THIS... $0.01... It cost me a whopping $4. What book, you ask? Oh, this book I found as a reference on fitpregnancy.com (like the title? lol.) called Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss by Ann Douglas and John R Sussman , M.D. (Taylor 2000) (not sure if that part is supposed to be in there, but it was on the website, so I just added it too)... I figured, why not just have it to have it. And if I get bored one day, I'll read it. Never hurts to have reference books to shit you want to forget, right? In the mass amounts of thinking I do now, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to forget EVERYTHING... just the hole in my heart, the jealous feeling of all my friends having their baby showers, and talking and posting about their babies... I hate jealousy. Just saying. I just want to forget the pain I feel NOW. Because I'd give ANYTHING to feel like I want to puke after brushing my teeth again. ANYTHING. Sometimes, I feel like I'll never get that back. Because the more time I sit here, thinking about it (because that's all I feel like I do sometimes), the more scared I get that the same thing is going to happen again even IF there's a cerclage. Even IF we take the steps to "prevent" it from happening again. There's no saying that that's the sole problem. It could be a million things. I'm scared it will happen again. I'm scared I won't make it through that kind of heartbreak again. So anywho. I broke down and ordered this book online. I'm sure I'll post random stuff on here that I read. In case my (current) reader(s) (I added the potential at the end... ya know, just in case) go through the same thing and get interested whether this one cent book is worth is coin. Guess we'll see <3