Friday, August 12, 2011
FitPregnancy.com and the mass amounts of CRAP I read...
This one will be rather short. I'm just documenting the fact that I broke down and bought a book... on amazon.com actually, for... GET THIS... $0.01... It cost me a whopping $4. What book, you ask? Oh, this book I found as a reference on fitpregnancy.com (like the title? lol.) called Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss by Ann Douglas and John R Sussman , M.D. (Taylor 2000) (not sure if that part is supposed to be in there, but it was on the website, so I just added it too)... I figured, why not just have it to have it. And if I get bored one day, I'll read it. Never hurts to have reference books to shit you want to forget, right? In the mass amounts of thinking I do now, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to forget EVERYTHING... just the hole in my heart, the jealous feeling of all my friends having their baby showers, and talking and posting about their babies... I hate jealousy. Just saying. I just want to forget the pain I feel NOW. Because I'd give ANYTHING to feel like I want to puke after brushing my teeth again. ANYTHING. Sometimes, I feel like I'll never get that back. Because the more time I sit here, thinking about it (because that's all I feel like I do sometimes), the more scared I get that the same thing is going to happen again even IF there's a cerclage. Even IF we take the steps to "prevent" it from happening again. There's no saying that that's the sole problem. It could be a million things. I'm scared it will happen again. I'm scared I won't make it through that kind of heartbreak again. So anywho. I broke down and ordered this book online. I'm sure I'll post random stuff on here that I read. In case my (current) reader(s) (I added the potential at the end... ya know, just in case) go through the same thing and get interested whether this one cent book is worth is coin. Guess we'll see <3
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I so could have used a book for my pregnancy with Emily. Wish I had ordered something and read it. I looked a few times but never ordered any books cause I basically was so scared I avoided preparing myself for the good OR the bad. I kind of remained unattached to my pregnancy with Emily for fear I'd lose her. Not that it would have been any easier, I would have been just as devastated but I had myself convinced I was protecting myself from the pain again. Just went to my appointments and prayed there was a heartbeat each time. I really need to get you in touch with my friend "S" who has been my rock. She and I got pregnant doing IVF at the same time and then she lost her first daughter a month before I lost Addison. Her losses were related to her water breaking early also. Sounds like you have similar fears to her. I think you guys could benefit from talking to each other. And she has been through a lot and has done a ton of research to figure her situation out so you may learn a thing or two from her!
ReplyDeleteI honestly think that if and when I get pregnant again, I'll be in the same boat. Trying to not get emotionally attached to the pregnancy, trying to prepare myself for the worst. I've even contemplated not telling anyone I was pregnant until a LOT later, in case it happens again, then I don't have to tell everyone all over again, deal with people that missed the memo and ask how things are going... because there's always SOMEONE who doesn't pay attention. I've read a lot online, so I'm really not thinking that a book is going to help. But I figured, it was $4... so why not at least TRY. And yes, I'd like to talk to "S" :)
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