The thing that I hate most about Gillette, is the shitty memories I've made since being here. I didn't really want to move here in the first place, but what was I supposed to do? Be pregnant, live with my Mom and be a bum? NO THANKS. So I got married and moved to Hell. This isn't supposed to be a pity trip... It's just "the beginning". We moved here, we lived with "T's" "best friend" and his wife who treated us like crap and were hot and cold toward us the whole time we lived there, we had to sleep on this bed set that I inherited from my Grandparents that was super old and uncomfortable (and any pregnant person WOULD bitch, just saying), and then we lost our baby. All this in 2.5 months.
Today (now yesterday), I was driving home from a friends house when something hit me. It took me back to June 6th; The day I would LOVE to have erased from the calendar. The day we lost our son. I didn't want to get up early to go yard saling. I wanted to SLEEP. All I did was sleep, but weekends were the GREATEST time to sleep in for some reason. But we got up, showered, I wore a relatively new dress that I'd bought last summer for a trip to California. It still had the tags on it. Put make up on, did my hair all cute. We had breakfast, went out to this place called Sleepy Hollow. It's a large subdivision made up of older 2 story style houses. Sleepy Hollow does this subdivision yard sale thing where everyone pulls out their stuff and puts a high dollar on it. It's like an expensive thrift store... so you walk through, window shop and gawk at all the ridiculous prices. We spent 2 hours wandering through, looking at all the houses and their treasures. The same patch of houses I have to drive past to go to a friends house. It was the last pleasant memory I have before life as I knew it crumbled around me. But it TOTALLY sucks. There's sooo many things I would have done differently while I was pregnant... but I would never change what's happened.
I don't regret my son. I just regret the loss of him. It's nothing I could have prevented and there was no way of knowing IT could "happen". A friend had said in something that she wrote, that losing a baby is something that "happens" to people who didn't receive the proper prenatal care. Losing a baby is something only "happens" to people who do drugs and other bad things. It doesn't "happen" to us-the people who wanted a baby. People who had plans for their child. Never a plan to go home from the hospital empty handed. People who received the proper care. People who were in the beginnings of having a perfectly healthy baby. Because we HAD received the proper care and made good decisions. We HAD done right by our babies. But as fate would have it, our plans have been dashed. And we'll always be one step behind or ahead of our friends who never have to experience this. One step behind, being we're the people who are broken hearted. Having to go on with our lives, having one physical child less than anyone can physically see. But one step ahead, because we've "been there, done that" and we're mentally prepared for the worst. Should it step in our way again. "Because it will." I don't want to be one step ahead OR behind ANYONE. I want to even with everyone else. I don't want to be standing in this "window", watching my friends perfect lives, having perfect husbands and perfect pregnancies, and going home with perfect babies. I want to be one of them, never having to detach yourself from a pregnancy to make it through it, just in case. Basking in all the pregnancy glory. I can't be one of those people. I can't be someone who enjoys life's every minute. I have a missing puzzle piece. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't the dog that ate it.
It sucks I agree but it is what it is. There is no way to undo what you went through or to bring your son back. A few times I hoped there was a way to be on the other side of the "window" if we moved on and had other babies. But I know now even more so than I did before that I am permanently on this side of it. Even with Emily. It is weird to think back to "pre-loss". Sometimes I think back to before we lost Addison and I was really getting big and we thought we were having a baby in 8 weeks. It really is a weird feeling to think back to certain times during the pregnancy. I remember being 20 weeks standing in line with my nephew to get him signed up for football. I wasn't really that big yet (but I thought I was) but I was so proud and excited to finally be pregnant that I remember standing there thinking everyone saw me as the glowing pregnant woman. 2 days before I lost her I went to lunch with my mom and the waitress talked pregnancy talk the whole time. I remember waddling through the parking lot and my hips were totally fucked up but I loved it anyways. It's kinda nice to reminisce on those times. It brings me back to that innocence. It's amazing how traumatic it is though when you think of that wall you hit when the loss happens. I literally went to bed happier than I'd ever been and so excited how close we were and then woke up to one of the 2 worst days of my entire life. The only other day that broke my heart that much was the day my brother died.
ReplyDeleteYou've definitely been through some stuff, that's FOR SURE. It's funny how there's things from "pre-loss" that I HATED... but there's not a damn thing I regret now.
ReplyDelete