Started a new job, lugging around oxygen concentrators and tanks... It's been 2 weeks, and I can't decide whether I like it or not. I'll be getting a paycheck (HOPEFULLY) on the 16th. Guess that will make up my mind. "T" told me that I had to get a job, as outlined in the "Trying Again" contract he set up back in June. The only thing is, is this job- it's ME... and the Location Manager. No one else. So it's not like I can conveniently quit whenever he decides he's ready to try again. Which means, no trying again for QUITE a long time. Which is good and bad. I feel like there's a void in my life. Like I'm lost. But at the same time, it's kind of nice to not have another mouth to feed right now. It's like we just can't catch up/save money. So not having an extra mouth, not having an extra expense, not having to find a babysitter to go play softball on Thursdays, it's almost kind of peaceful in a way. I told "T" I wasn't sure I wanted another baby- that damn near caused a break down. I didn't think he wanted one as bad as he does. Guess I really am NOT as observant as I claimed to be.
Thinking of "Trying Again", my book FINALLY came 2 weeks ago. I got just a couple of pages into it before realizing what I was REALLY up against. Not only do I have to worry about pPROM and the cerclage possibly NOT working, I also have to worry about chromosomal abnormalities, it being ectopic or this amniotic band syndrome... Oh, or something happening AFTER it's born (heaven forbid, SIDS)... You really just can't win. I just never realized how set up for failure you CAN be, and how lucky you are if you can get pregnant in the first place AND carry a HEALTHY child. Sorry for all the caps locked stuff... I guess I like yelling crazy words and putting emphasis on how truly scary a pregnancy is. And then, the book took me to a section that basically asks whether a person wants to have another baby or if they want the baby that died... and it really made me think. There's not a day that goes by, that I wouldn't LOVE to reverse time, knowing what I know now, and fix this situation. Making Joseph still be here (but if he was still here, I'd be coming up to 8 months, and he'd be Hunter like he was supposed to have been... another story... ughhh). Because, truly, I'd rather have him than another baby. Losing one truly puts the next one in the lime light. Thinking of lime light, my sister conveniently is pregnant again- her husband works at a convenient store, they're about to move to Baker City, OR and they have a 17mo old that they already have to beg for money to feed. Something that really pisses me off is the fact that she doesn't consider the effects her decisions have on her 17 month old son, let alone this new child. People that just want pregnancy attention piss me off. I've been on somewhat of a stress/depressed soapbox for the last 2 weeks. Stress from the new job and feeling like I've been kinda tossed in to see if I'll sink or swim, and depressed... well... it just kinda popped up like the 24 hour flu. I was crying at softball for NO apparent reason on Thursday. It was pitiful. And then woke up, conveniently, Friday morning in a REALLY bad mood. It's been a rough couple weeks.
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