Infertility answered

Haven't updated in a while. Moved to Nevada and haven't had the best luck health wise. The week we got here, I was in urgent care with pain. Turns out I have an enlarged ovary and it has a suspicious looking cyst on it according to the latest ultrasound I had for it. So now I am waiting to hear from university of Utah about what their plan in treatment is going to be. I'm scared and nervous. And the reason I'm scared and nervous is because if I had to have surgery to remove my ovary, that's a 50/50 chance on the other ovary producing fertile eggs. Which lowers the chances of a baby. Also, if I have to go through radiation, that could cause infertility as well. Possibly making me incapable of producing eggs. I have been told that UofU is a great place for oncology. Is it selfish of me to wish this wasn't my trial to go through? I just feel like I am at a breaking point with all the things being put on my plate. Its said God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I'm starting to question His limits (not really)....

Blog slash diary slash faithful friend

Tom got served this past week for his child support stuff. I think I always knew this day would come but I also kinda think I hoped it would never happen. As bad as that sounds, it kinda puts things into perspective. Like, she's got 2 children and I have lost 2. And I'm not saying she doesn't deserve them or that I deserve children because I'm starting to think I wouldn't be a very good parent. What I am saying is that I'm surprisingly having a hard time accepting that this is really happening. I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm going to have to share another woman's child and treat him as my own. And of course Tom says "you shouldn't dwell on bad stuff" meaning that I shouldn't dwell on the fact I don't have children yet his ex can have one with no problems (she also smoked the ENTIRE pregnancy). I'm just getting super frustrated. I left early for work today because I didn't want to listen to him talk to her. It's just bothering me and unless it's one of those feelings then I'm not sure what my deal is. Ughhh.

Venting... Round 3

Everyone around me is having babies and I'm not. And in a way, my heart is breaking all over again. Not to mention that the husband doesn't seem to care and doesn't seem to be interested at all. It's like I'm in this alone, and for myself. And that's not really what I wanted. I wanted him to want a baby too and I don't see that want in him at all. He doesn't seem to even want the child he's got through his ex girlfriend. So I just don't know how he would want a baby with me. I'm starting to wonder if the only reason he wanted Joseph was because it happened and he had no choice and I kinda wonder if losing him was a relief. And I dont mean to sound like a heartless bitch by saying it- but he's kinda given me no sign of hope when I look in his eyes. And unfortunately I believe I'm holding some pent up frustration over this. And it's affecting our relationship and I don't know how to move forward. I still feel kinda stuck- like it's still June of 2011 and my life hasn't moved. My heart is still broken and my emotions are erratic and it's not doing ANY good to Tom. I just dont know what to do or how I fix it. And theres no place I can post anything to get advice so I just get to post things like this to vent to myself. Yay...

Frustrated...

As long as I can remember, I have never liked scary movies. I guess I'm my mothers daughter in that aspect. I can hold my own any other time. Just don't stick me in front of the tv to watch something other than comedy. Suspense, horror or anything combined of the two are just not me. Same goes with certain genres of music. I just have no appreciation for things I can't relate to. I can't even pretend to like it. And I shouldn't be judged for it. Just because I don't like something you don't like doesn't mean you should make fun of me for it. I just can't watch it. So how about we don't make fun of Morgan for not liking scary stuff.

Stupid babies anyway...

My sister has announced on her fb that it's 9 days to her due date for her daughter Kinsley. And stated that everyone is anxious. When she says things like that, she should really clarify-because I'm not in that list. I think it's the fact that she doesn't deserve a baby... especially a 2nd one. Sure, I might not have been so wanting of one a few months back, but things have changed (as they do with me) and it's not the case anymore. Something about the idea of HER having another just chaps my ass. And I don't mean to rain on her parade. I just wish she would understand where I'm coming from.

The Visit.

I visited with my dad's friend Rick B today. I haven't seen the man in probably 3 years, I believe it was before I ever met Tom. We met Rick and his family through church back in the day. Rick, I believe has 4 or 5 kids, all really polite and respectful. He lost his son Dallin a year ago November 28th. Dallin, his sister Lara and her friend Caleb were headed out of town. They had just gotten a little past the Twin Falls (ID) exit and were hit by a car during a snow storm that pushed their car 15 feet in toward the median. Dallin got out of the car to move some of the snow so they could continue on their trip. Caleb got out and was going to help Dallin, but Dallin told him to get back in the car. Just as Caleb got back in, he looked in the mirror just in time to see another car hit Dallin. It is my understanding that he was dead on impact. As Rick continued his story, I couldn't help but see the events unfold in my imagination. Not something I really wanted to imagine, but just the way the story was told made me see everything as it happened. My heart was hurting. Rick's family is LDS and Dallin had just returned home from a mission not quite 5 months before. Rick had said that after he got home, he spent a lot of time with the family. In a way, I believe he finds in comforting to know that his family was altogether in the last few months of Dallin's life. Furthermore, Dallin's sister Lisa had her third child and named him Dallin after her brother-this happened all before his death. I'm not sure if anyone has ever had an encounter with the LDS people, but they're all strangely at peace when people die. It's like they're trained to know that people are here and then die and that it's just "okay" when they go.

The reason I chose to blog about Rick and Dallin is because Rick and I both have something in common-We lost a child. But there's a big difference. Rick's son was 23. I carried mine for 20 weeks. People say "a loss is a loss" and I don't disagree, I just feel that a 23 YEAR OLD loss is harder to accept than a child I merely CARRIED for 20 WEEKS. I'm not saying that one person is worse off than the other, because I bet they hurt  the same amount. I saw signs of change in Rick when he was here. I remember Rick as the happy man, who talked and enunciated his words in a way that I as a child could understand, and used his hands to talk. He was very... big, for a lack of a better word, to me-he just stood out against other male teachers at church. And the entire conversation, he didn't directly face me, no hand gestures. No real smiles. I think it was as hard for him to talk about it as it was to listen. However... at least his family has memories of their son, and adventures with their brother. And that'll forever be something they cherish.

Get ready, Get set... for nothing to change.

I suppose I was expecting this new baby thing to happen over night. Why is it that the things you want most with your life take the longest to happen? I quit birth control with the naive mind set that it was going to be right out the gate happening. NOT. Third month and I got nothin... so far anyway. Doesn't help when the husband doesn't know what he wants either. He seems to believe that we need to save money this year and have a baby next year... but next year is like tomorrow-it never comes. I can't just wait around for next year! My heart needs this now! But we'll see, I guess.

I quit my job and have been taking it easy being a bum at home. It's nice to just focus on my husband and home for a while. I'm supposed to be going back to Idaho to pack my dads house for him so he can move to Mississippi someday... and I told Tom I'd look for a job when I got back. He told me I don't have to work, but I think not working will drive me crazy. I miss my patients, but my boss is definitely a psycho. She'll scare off the replacement for sure. I'm hoping the relaxed Morgan will help the baby makin' a little... This girl has high hopes for 2012!