Stupid babies anyway...

My sister has announced on her fb that it's 9 days to her due date for her daughter Kinsley. And stated that everyone is anxious. When she says things like that, she should really clarify-because I'm not in that list. I think it's the fact that she doesn't deserve a baby... especially a 2nd one. Sure, I might not have been so wanting of one a few months back, but things have changed (as they do with me) and it's not the case anymore. Something about the idea of HER having another just chaps my ass. And I don't mean to rain on her parade. I just wish she would understand where I'm coming from.

The Visit.

I visited with my dad's friend Rick B today. I haven't seen the man in probably 3 years, I believe it was before I ever met Tom. We met Rick and his family through church back in the day. Rick, I believe has 4 or 5 kids, all really polite and respectful. He lost his son Dallin a year ago November 28th. Dallin, his sister Lara and her friend Caleb were headed out of town. They had just gotten a little past the Twin Falls (ID) exit and were hit by a car during a snow storm that pushed their car 15 feet in toward the median. Dallin got out of the car to move some of the snow so they could continue on their trip. Caleb got out and was going to help Dallin, but Dallin told him to get back in the car. Just as Caleb got back in, he looked in the mirror just in time to see another car hit Dallin. It is my understanding that he was dead on impact. As Rick continued his story, I couldn't help but see the events unfold in my imagination. Not something I really wanted to imagine, but just the way the story was told made me see everything as it happened. My heart was hurting. Rick's family is LDS and Dallin had just returned home from a mission not quite 5 months before. Rick had said that after he got home, he spent a lot of time with the family. In a way, I believe he finds in comforting to know that his family was altogether in the last few months of Dallin's life. Furthermore, Dallin's sister Lisa had her third child and named him Dallin after her brother-this happened all before his death. I'm not sure if anyone has ever had an encounter with the LDS people, but they're all strangely at peace when people die. It's like they're trained to know that people are here and then die and that it's just "okay" when they go.

The reason I chose to blog about Rick and Dallin is because Rick and I both have something in common-We lost a child. But there's a big difference. Rick's son was 23. I carried mine for 20 weeks. People say "a loss is a loss" and I don't disagree, I just feel that a 23 YEAR OLD loss is harder to accept than a child I merely CARRIED for 20 WEEKS. I'm not saying that one person is worse off than the other, because I bet they hurt  the same amount. I saw signs of change in Rick when he was here. I remember Rick as the happy man, who talked and enunciated his words in a way that I as a child could understand, and used his hands to talk. He was very... big, for a lack of a better word, to me-he just stood out against other male teachers at church. And the entire conversation, he didn't directly face me, no hand gestures. No real smiles. I think it was as hard for him to talk about it as it was to listen. However... at least his family has memories of their son, and adventures with their brother. And that'll forever be something they cherish.

Get ready, Get set... for nothing to change.

I suppose I was expecting this new baby thing to happen over night. Why is it that the things you want most with your life take the longest to happen? I quit birth control with the naive mind set that it was going to be right out the gate happening. NOT. Third month and I got nothin... so far anyway. Doesn't help when the husband doesn't know what he wants either. He seems to believe that we need to save money this year and have a baby next year... but next year is like tomorrow-it never comes. I can't just wait around for next year! My heart needs this now! But we'll see, I guess.

I quit my job and have been taking it easy being a bum at home. It's nice to just focus on my husband and home for a while. I'm supposed to be going back to Idaho to pack my dads house for him so he can move to Mississippi someday... and I told Tom I'd look for a job when I got back. He told me I don't have to work, but I think not working will drive me crazy. I miss my patients, but my boss is definitely a psycho. She'll scare off the replacement for sure. I'm hoping the relaxed Morgan will help the baby makin' a little... This girl has high hopes for 2012!

Baby Names are FRUSTRATING!

Just a quick little blurp... Because it's currently frustrating me. No, not pregnant (that I know of anyway). Just to clarify.

DH wants to name our next son Hunter Thomas. And he's NOT hearing me when I say "NO!". That was the name we agreed on for Joseph before he passed away. I'm just not okay with the name. It'll never belong to that child. It's someone elses name that never got it. And I just can't see my next child having that name. I mean, as long as he gets a good middle name, I can call him by that... because his mother won't call him Hunter unless he's in trouble! But it's just frustrating that he won't consider MY feelings on the name. His dad picked it out and that's his argument. I'm not against the name, but not as a first name.

Gotta VENT! Well, and catch up.

So, where did I leave off? Ohh, I was going crazy. Well, I got that part fixed. They put me on Lexapro after I finally admitted to myself I was losing my mind. I seriously couldn't breathe or function without crying and I cried ALL the time about nothing. I guess I was on that for about a 28 days before Tom finally told his mom that we were going to try for a baby. I'm definitely leaving some stuff out inbetween... like me getting a job and being absolutely miserable until after I got medicated... and I cared about a lot of things I hadn't cared about in a long time.

So I quit taking the Lexapro about a month now, I guess it would be. I quit taking my birth control and now we're just kinda waiting for life to happen. Literally. I expected to be more nervous, maybe a little scared. But I'm actually oddly comfortable and calm about the idea of trying again. At first I thought that I didn't want one... but I think that was mostly me trying to protect my "best interests". I have a hard time being weak-and I feel that's what I've been since I've been with Tom. It's hard for me to not protect myself and let someone else do it for me.

And onto the venting portion. Fuck, life just sucks sometimes. I guess I should just know better than to expect people to use common sense just because I do. I don't get it. I truly don't. For example... my sister. Such a sore subject if you know her... but the thing is is she's got a son that's about 18 months, whom has spent most of his life with my mom and step dad in Challis and has spent the other half of his life being juggled between states, between homes... he's going to grow up fucked up because of her inconsistency. And she still sends him to bed with a bottle because it's easier for her. I finally unblocked her on facebook so I could tell her how I feel and she called my mom crying because I attacked her, when in all actuality I actually attacked her shitty parenting skills. I'm sure I won't be a top knotch parent, but I'd like to believe that I'd be better than her. I just don't know what to do with her. I've decided that it's probably for the best that she blocked me this time because then  I don't have to worry about her nonsense wandering into my life. I'd like to uninvite them from the family gift exchange soley based on the way she's been acting, but according to mother, that's just not appropriate. Oh to be the baby sister...

I've decided I want to go to school for nursing so that I can work with the elderly. Who knows when that'll happen though. There's evidently a really good nursing program here but it's evidently hard to get into. I don't really know what I need to do to have a qualifying chance but I think it would be fun. Is it bad though, that the reason I want to work with them is because I miss my own grandparents and want to borrow someone elses for a while? The reason I've gotten this far in my thought process is because of the job I have right now where
I deliver oxygen to people. I absolutely love my patients, and my boss right now... but I know just as soon as I say I'll stay, she'll turn psycho on me again. She's the primary reason I'm quitting. I was treated soooo poorly by her. And then ever since I got medicated (and got off of it) I'm the better person and more mellow/laid back. It's not a bad thing, I guess. I just wish that I could do what I'm doing, minus the delivering so that I can have this awesome office job and still get/be pregnant and work too. Oh well. Things will happen the way they're supposed to.

Sorry this is kinda all over the place. It's from lack of sleep and trying to beat the clock to bedtime. Ughh. Thanks for reading my nonsense.

I'm going crazy. Fast.

Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm not sure what I am, or who I am. Sometimes I can't tell which side is up, which makes the turbulance of the waves even worse. I have this friend, who doesn't seem to understand what I'm going through. She doesn't seem to get the fact that I'm not just out for self pity. That I ACTUALLY can't socialize sometimes. It takes every ounce of my body to get up in the morning, take a shower, get ready and paint on a happy face just to go to work. Where I don't feel appreciated and get run ragged all day long. Which makes me tired, cranky and upset. Only to have the pressure of a "friend" who always wants me to go to her house (about 10-15 miles out of town, opposite direction of my house) to do nothing. I don't want to socialize. There's days I don't like the face in the mirror, let alone anyone elses face. I don't know if that's normal, but I just can't do this. I thought I was doing so well, and then suddenly I'm not. There's just so many things running through my head. Part of me doesn't want friends, part of me does. But the part that wants friends, doesn't want to "burden" them with my self pity trip. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I just want to lock myself away from everyone and disappear.

Frustration and Disrespect. And not settling for 2nd best.

My sister announced on her Facebook that she's about 9 weeks pregnant. I just don't understand how a person can announce something like that so early. I waited, like my mother told me to (guilty of being a momma's girl), until after my 1st trimester, until out of my "danger zone" before telling God and everyone my "awesome news". That's not the part that's truly frustrating. It's me being in Wyoming, her in Boise, homeless, her husband a lazy and worthless person that's willing to take handouts from a church over transferring to his gas station attendant job like he was supposed to. I think losing a child makes me more tender to them. My nephew is 18 months and is being tossed around like a hacky-sack. He's been bounced from my sister's husand's parents house, to my mom's house when my dumb sister filed for divorce, only to go back to him 4 months later... where they lived until the beginning of September... to my dads house because they had no place to go. NOW, my sister and her dumb husband are, or were living in this little stinking motel with a kitchen in it in Boise because my sister stuck her nose where it doesn't belong and got herself kicked out. My mom took Benjamin home with her because my sister couldn't afford to feed him. I told my mom today that if she doesn't keep him, then I'm going to call CPS on my sister. We have to look out for the children. She's having children and not looking out for their best interests like she SHOULD be. I wish, for 10 seconds, she could feel how I feel and have a little "ah-ha" moment to realize what she's doing is WRONG. I'm not jealous of her and the fact that she's having another when I lost mine. I'm angry that she's just popping them out and not giving it a 2nd thought. She's planning on living off the state, obviously. Since neither her or Justin are getting jobs. It's kind of disgusting to think about.

On a positive note, I'm switching doctors. Hopefully this new one is as awesome as I've been told he is.  I'm hoping this new one will be my saving grace. I don't want to go to a doctor that forgets or can't even read a chart 10 seconds before our meeting to know that I lost my child and it's not going to be attending the appointment. He had said, or told my nurse, that I'd be a perfect candidate for the TAC (transabdominal cerclage), so I'm hoping this new doctor sees it the same way. I'm not settling for a cerclage procedure with a less successful rating. I'm NOT going through this again. I'm ready to move forward. As soon as I get this appointment done, and the TAC done too, I'm making that next move. I need to. Those are 3 words I never thought I'd say, but I'm ready.