Dealing.

It's funny how there's a list of things that we'll go through as we're grieving for our loss. Shock, Denial, Anger, Guilt... But where's the one about sweeping it under the rug to not have to face it? Where's the one that says it's okay to put the problem out of sight and out of mind until it's a convenient time to "deal" with it? Because I'm definitely a person that sweeps things under the rug to not have to deal with it today.

I can safely say that the "shocked" section of it took place for the first 5 minutes after my doctor checked me only to discover a foot after a day and a half... almost 2 days, actually... of things looking SOOO incredibly positive. I had 5 minutes to "digest" the fact that it was over. And that moment came when there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor and only my sons head left in my uterus. I had to act fast because it was happening whether I wanted it to or not.

Guilt is DEFINITELY something I've faced. It's unofficial, but I've Google diagnosed myself with an incompetent cervix. Especially the way things just "happened" without any sort of signs-no pain, no contractions for the dilated cervix... The day that I could have kicked myself was the day that I called to see if the pathology report had come back on the placenta they'd sent off. My favorite nurse, Crystal, told me there was nothing wrong with any of it. I had a premature placenta, the cord was perfect... there was nothing abnormal that gave them any signs for the premature birth. That was more or less a slap in the face. There was nothing wrong with my child. It was my body that couldn't hold it together. The fact that I lost my husbands son, the one that would pass along the family name. I did that. There was nothing wrong with my baby. Not a damn thing.

I think Anger went hand in hand with Guilt. I was and still am angry at the fact that it happened.  I was mean to my husband. I snapped at people for no reason. Someone that I knew even deleted their Facebook after a tangent. All because he said "everything happens for a reason..." and that "God needed him". How could God need him when He JUST had my son? You can't say everything happens for a reason to a woman who just lost her child. That's like asking to be punched in the face. And it REALLY bothered me that a man could say that to me. That a man, not having to change their diet and exercise routines, having to watch how much weight they pick up, making sure there was no smoke blowing in their face, could say those things like he knew where I was coming from. My husband wouldn't ever say that to me. That man didn't have to carry that fetus inside of them, and dream of the day it would be born and who that baby would be in 20 years. Only to have those dreams shatter within 15 minutes. Maybe I over reacted, I'm still waiting on my heart to make up its mind. Maybe things do happen for a reason, but that still doesn't make it okay to say.

Maybe the whole "sweeping" thing is part of denial. Because if you hide from it, then it never happened. Right? Because sometimes I'd like to think that that's easier. That hiding from my problems would make them go away. That the visions I replay of that "funeral" service we had, all those flowers and the cute little bear... and the little paper mache' box with the green bow on it never happened. Or my water breaking, and being in the ER for 3 hours with negative people surrounding me, and then a whole day and a half [[total positive time]] thinking things were looking up, only to have everything shatter never really happened. That they are all a figment of my imagination. Like they came from a movie, or someone else's life. And that seeing my 14 week old fetus floating around inside of my belly was someone else's. Because if it never happened, then it can't hurt, right? Perhaps I'll never know how to sweep everything under that big rug, but I'll keep trying until that dust pops back out. Because today isn't looking very good to stop and think about it, and neither is tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes in my book... It'll happen someday. Or it may never happen.

Talking with a friend who lost her baby at 32 weeks, she told me that part of her healing was getting pregnant again. My husband is on the fence about it now. At first he was fine and dandy with the idea of trying for another baby. I went as far as to sit next to my Josephs name plate and talk to him, even though he probably couldn't hear or understand me if he was a baby, and I told him and reassured him that if there was another baby that there was no way he would ever be replaced. I wanted to make sure he knew that I loved him with my whole heart, that there was a piece that was missing that I could never get back, and that this other baby wouldn't be able to fill that void, just mend it for a while. Because a piece of me feels jipped. Like my maternal rights were revoked before I had a chance to vouch for myself. I'd like to think I'd be a good mother. That I could raise a child. But how can I prove that to myself and the world if my counterpart is still "on the fence" about it. I'm sure he's scared of going through this again. I'm not sure that I'd be a sane person if this happened again. The saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is as much full of shit as saying "Everything happens for a reason". Just because it doesn't kill you now, doesn't mean it won't kill you if it happens again. And I think I deserve a chance. So I'll give him some more time. What else can I do? Steal it from him? ^_^