Friday, July 29, 2011
How It Is, And How It's Obviously Gonna Be.
Not sure who thought it was a great idea, but the cemetery, it's in the middle of town. It's the only cemetery in this town... and it's smack dab, right in the freakin middle. Right behind a park, next to the Family Dollar... In the middle of town. I haven't been there since the day after Father's Day. I mean, I say hi to him from the street... without turning up the road, heading into the actual cemetery itself... But making that trip UP THERE... brings it all back. And last time I was there, I cried. Part of me wants that part of my life to be over. Sometimes I think that if I was just to let him and the memory of him go, that I might be able to live a semi normal life. Instead of always knowing that I have a deceased child laying in a cemetery... It's just hard to go and sit there... staring at his little name plate (headstone hasn't been ordered. Why are those damn things so expensive?!) with nothing more on it but "Joseph Arley Blatz"... "2011". It's not like I have anything to say to him. He was a fish in my belly for 19 weeks and 6 days. I never felt him kick. And after he was born, I never looked at his face and never touched him. And I'm starting to regret it... but it's over. There's nothing I can do. I just hope that when I meet him face to face, that he's not mad at me for it. It's not that I didn't love him, I just wanted to love the memory of him... not what he looked like half developed. I actually didn't start to regret not looking at him until I accidentally stumbled upon videos on YouTube of people who had taken pictures of their baby about the same distance along in their pregnancy who had gone through the same thing I did. But I think that people all handle things differently. And I wouldn't have handled that well at all. I guess, I just felt we didn't have much of a connection other than the obvious and that I have nothing to say. Because if Heaven is anything like I think it is, then he can see me and he knows what I'm doing. I just hope that God's covering his eyes during the naughty parts of my life. Poor kid.
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I'm sorry Morgan. It makes me kinda teary when you talk about not looking at him or holding him. You did what was right for you and you can't have regrets. They will eat you up. That's why it makes me sad, cause I know no matter how you try to look at it or what you try to make of it......you will always have regret and doubt and it sucks. Next month will be 2 years that my daughter is buried in the cemetery and I still have my eyes fill with tears and anger inside when I think of what I could have done differently. He knows you love him and he is proud you are his mommy. That's what matters. I try to hang on to the fact that if Addison can see me somehow, she would treat me the same way Emily does. That way a child acts and the look on their face when they know that they just own their parents and they are the most important thing in your world. I hope she just feels proud that I'm her mommy and if me and someone else reached out for her....she'd pick me ;) Like, "Yep, that's my mom."
ReplyDeleteSomeone told me once that the children you don't get to raise on earth, you get to raise in heaven. And I REALLY hope that's true. Because like you, I want to be reached for. I want to be picked out of a crowd by my child. That gives me hope :)
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