New baby frustration.

My sister announced to Facebook yesterday that she's having a new baby and I'm wholeheartedly LESS than thrilled.

First off, she can't afford the one she's got. She's been "borrowing" money from people left and right. Infact, not even 2 weeks ago, asked me for "a little money-$50 should cover it"... and then posted on Facebook a couple days ago that Benjamin was screaming from his crib because they didn't have any milk. Definitely a place I want to bring a child into the world in. NOT.

Secondly, perhaps it's me being jaded by the previous fact, or the fact that I just lost one and she showed no sympathy whatsoever, and then calls me all overjoyed obviously NOT thinking about about how I might feel about it. I feel guilty for writing it as I think it through in my head, trying to put it into words. But it's hard to explain my "frustration". Because it's not fair to her to be mad that she wants another baby. It's not fair to blame her for being excited that she's having another. It's not fair to her for me feeling the way I am right now. It's selfish of me in a way. But, she can't afford the 17 month old son she has as it is, how can she even fathom the idea of bringing ANOTHER life, another MOUTH that she can't feed, into this miserable world. It bothers me that she peed on a stick and called me and then posted it on Facebook before telling our Mother or seeing a doctor. I'm jaded because of what I went through, that I wouldn't be going around just throwing it on people. And all of a sudden, I'm just SUPER pissed off that she's procreating and I can't. And maybe that's why I'm so mad. I can't think straight, I had dreams about babies all night last night, which isn't really helping my "situation"...

Am I wrong for not wanting to be super excited for her? Because I really feel like I'm being a snatchface for not basking in her "glory". I just really want to pound her head against a wall until she thinks clearly.

Not only that, but my sisters husband sent me a really nasty message saying that God took away my child because I would be a shitty parent. What kind of person could say stuff like that?

The Last Couple Weeks... Yikes.

Started a new job, lugging around oxygen concentrators and tanks... It's been 2 weeks, and I can't decide whether I like it or not. I'll be getting a paycheck (HOPEFULLY) on the 16th. Guess that will make up my mind. "T" told me that I had to get a job, as outlined in the "Trying Again" contract he set up back in June. The only thing is, is this job- it's ME... and the Location Manager. No one else. So it's not like I can conveniently quit whenever he decides he's ready to try again. Which means, no trying again for QUITE a long time. Which is good and bad. I feel like there's a void in my life. Like I'm lost. But at the same time, it's kind of nice to not have another mouth to feed right now. It's like we just can't catch up/save money. So not having an extra mouth, not having an extra expense, not having to find a babysitter to go play softball on Thursdays, it's almost kind of peaceful in a way. I told "T" I wasn't sure I wanted another baby- that damn near caused a break down. I didn't think he wanted one as bad as he does. Guess I really am NOT as observant as I claimed to be.

Thinking of "Trying Again", my book FINALLY came 2 weeks ago. I got just a couple of pages into it before realizing what I was REALLY up against. Not only do I have to worry about pPROM and the cerclage possibly NOT working, I also have to worry about chromosomal abnormalities, it being ectopic or this amniotic band syndrome... Oh, or something happening AFTER it's born (heaven forbid, SIDS)... You really just can't win. I just never realized how set up for failure you CAN be, and how lucky you are if you can get pregnant in the first place AND carry a HEALTHY child. Sorry for all the caps locked stuff... I guess I like yelling crazy words and putting emphasis on how truly scary a pregnancy is. And then, the book took me to a section that basically asks whether a person wants to have another baby or if they want the baby that died... and it really made me think. There's not a day that goes by, that I wouldn't LOVE to reverse time, knowing what I know now, and fix this situation. Making Joseph still be here (but if he was still here, I'd be coming up to 8 months, and he'd be Hunter like he was supposed to have been... another story... ughhh). Because, truly, I'd rather have him than another baby. Losing one truly puts the next one in the lime light. Thinking of lime light, my sister conveniently is pregnant again- her husband works at a convenient store, they're about to move to Baker City, OR and they have a 17mo old that they already have to beg for money to feed. Something that really pisses me off is the fact that she doesn't consider the effects her decisions have on her 17 month old son, let alone this new child. People that just want pregnancy attention piss me off. I've been on somewhat of a stress/depressed soapbox for the last 2 weeks. Stress from the new job and feeling like I've been kinda tossed in to see if I'll sink or swim, and depressed... well... it just kinda popped up like the 24 hour flu. I was crying at softball for NO apparent reason on Thursday. It was pitiful. And then woke up, conveniently, Friday morning in a REALLY bad mood. It's been a rough couple weeks.

I Have To Admit.

The thing that I hate most about Gillette, is the shitty memories I've made since being here. I didn't really want to move here in the first place, but what was I supposed to do? Be pregnant, live with my Mom and be a bum? NO THANKS. So I got married and moved to Hell. This isn't supposed to be a pity trip... It's just "the beginning". We moved here, we lived with "T's" "best friend" and his wife who treated us like crap and were hot and cold toward us the whole time we lived there, we had to sleep on this bed set that I inherited from my Grandparents that was super old and uncomfortable (and any pregnant person WOULD bitch, just saying), and then we lost our baby. All this in 2.5 months.

Today (now yesterday), I was driving home from a friends house when something hit me. It took me back to June 6th; The day I would LOVE to have erased from the calendar. The day we lost our son. I didn't want to get up early to go yard saling. I wanted to SLEEP. All I did was sleep, but weekends were the GREATEST time to sleep in for some reason. But we got up, showered, I wore a relatively new dress that I'd bought last summer for a trip to California. It still had the tags on it. Put make up on, did my hair all cute. We had breakfast, went out to this place called Sleepy Hollow. It's a large subdivision made up of older 2 story style houses. Sleepy Hollow does this subdivision yard sale thing where everyone pulls out their stuff and puts a high dollar on it. It's like an expensive thrift store... so you walk through, window shop and gawk at all the ridiculous prices. We spent 2 hours wandering through, looking at all the houses and their treasures. The same patch of houses I have to drive past to go to a friends house. It was the last pleasant memory I have before life as I knew it crumbled around me. But it TOTALLY sucks. There's sooo many things I would have done differently while I was pregnant... but I would never change what's happened.

I don't regret my son. I just regret the loss of him. It's nothing I could have prevented and there was no way of knowing IT could "happen". A friend had said in something that she wrote, that losing a baby is something that "happens" to people who didn't receive the proper prenatal care. Losing a baby is something only "happens" to people who do drugs and other bad things. It doesn't "happen" to us-the people who wanted a baby. People who had plans for their child. Never a plan to go home from the hospital empty handed. People who received the proper care. People who were in the beginnings of having a perfectly healthy baby. Because we HAD received the proper care and made good decisions. We HAD done right by our babies. But as fate would have it, our plans have been dashed. And we'll always be one step behind or ahead of our friends who never have to experience this. One step behind, being we're the people who are broken hearted. Having to go on with our lives, having one physical child less than anyone can physically see. But one step ahead, because we've "been there, done that" and we're mentally prepared for the worst. Should it step in our way again. "Because it will." I don't want to be one step ahead OR behind ANYONE. I want to even with everyone else. I don't want to be standing in this "window", watching my friends perfect lives, having perfect husbands and perfect pregnancies, and going home with perfect babies. I want to be one of them, never having to detach yourself from a pregnancy to make it through it, just in case. Basking in all the pregnancy glory. I can't be one of those people. I can't be someone who enjoys life's every minute. I have a missing puzzle piece. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't the dog that ate it.

FitPregnancy.com and the mass amounts of CRAP I read...

This one will be rather short. I'm just documenting the fact that I broke down and bought a book... on amazon.com actually, for... GET THIS... $0.01... It cost me a whopping $4. What book, you ask? Oh, this book I found as a reference on fitpregnancy.com (like the title? lol.) called Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss by Ann Douglas and John R Sussman , M.D. (Taylor 2000) (not sure if that part is supposed to be in there, but it was on the website, so I just added it too)... I figured, why not just have it to have it. And if I get bored one day, I'll read it. Never hurts to have reference books to shit you want to forget, right? In the mass amounts of thinking I do now, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to forget EVERYTHING... just the hole in my heart, the jealous feeling of all my friends having their baby showers, and talking and posting about their babies... I hate jealousy. Just saying. I just want to forget the pain I feel NOW. Because I'd give ANYTHING to feel like I want to puke after brushing my teeth again. ANYTHING. Sometimes, I feel like I'll never get that back. Because the more time I sit here, thinking about it (because that's all I feel like I do sometimes), the more scared I get that the same thing is going to happen again even IF there's a cerclage. Even IF we take the steps to "prevent" it from happening again. There's no saying that that's the sole problem. It could be a million things. I'm scared it will happen again. I'm scared I won't make it through that kind of heartbreak again. So anywho. I broke down and ordered this book online. I'm sure I'll post random stuff on here that I read. In case my (current) reader(s) (I added the potential at the end... ya know, just in case) go through the same thing and get interested whether this one cent book is worth is coin. Guess we'll see <3

Oh, football cards.

I have no where to vent... and so since I only have one follower, I'm taking advantage of this while I can.

My husband has a football card obsession. At first, I would have classically described it as a collection, however lately... it's far more than that. Working a miner's shiftwork, he just rolled off nights. Me being anxious to spend time with my husband, I was antsy to wake him at 3pm. And it seems that today, just like every other day recently, has been spent in front of his computer, watching football card box breaks. Basically, to explain to those of you who aren't familiar (I wasn't until recently...) insane people buy these extremely overpriced boxes of packages of cards which hold a ridiculous resale value, put up a bid online for a "buy in" and those people pick teams and pay, say... $3/team they want cards from. And my husband has had me check the mail every day since Tuesday to check for packages of those cards he's "won" from those card breaks. I'm about to lose my mind. And the reason I'm about to lose my mind, is because I'm anxiously awaiting time to be spent with ME. But even as I sit here and type, it being almost 2:15am... the TV is on and his computer is open and he's watching a football card box break with some southern redneck babbling about his first Tim Tebow card, like I'm supposed to listen and care. I try, but it's getting really old... really quick. No longer does he have the attention for me. We started Avatar at about 9pm... he paused it to go to the bathroom where he took advantage of watching a box break... and upon returning to the couch... that's where he's stayed. Computer open, random box break babblers talking away in their football gibberish... not really talking but to extend what sounds to me like a pity "I love you" from down the hall. With Avatar still paused.

Yay for being married to a football card junkie.

How It Is, And How It's Obviously Gonna Be.

Not sure who thought it was a great idea, but the cemetery, it's in the middle of town. It's the only cemetery in this town... and it's smack dab, right in the freakin middle. Right behind a park, next to the Family Dollar... In the middle of town. I haven't been there since the day after Father's Day. I mean, I say hi to him from the street... without turning up the road, heading into the actual cemetery itself... But making that trip UP THERE... brings it all back. And last time I was there, I cried. Part of me wants that part of my life to be over. Sometimes I think that if I was just to let him and the memory of him go, that I might be able to live a semi normal life. Instead of always knowing that I have a deceased child laying in a cemetery... It's just hard to go and sit there... staring at his little name plate (headstone hasn't been ordered. Why are those damn things so expensive?!) with nothing more on it but "Joseph Arley Blatz"... "2011". It's not like I have anything to say to him. He was a fish in my belly for 19 weeks and 6 days. I never felt him kick. And after he was born, I never looked at his face and never touched him. And I'm starting to regret it... but it's over. There's nothing I can do. I just hope that when I meet him face to face, that he's not mad at me for it. It's not that I didn't love him, I just wanted to love the memory of him... not what he looked like half developed. I actually didn't start to regret not looking at him until I accidentally stumbled upon videos on YouTube of people who had taken pictures of their baby about the same distance along in their pregnancy who had gone through the same thing I did. But I think that people all handle things differently. And I wouldn't have handled that well at all. I guess, I just felt we didn't have much of a connection other than the obvious and that I have nothing to say. Because if Heaven is anything like I think it is, then he can see me and he knows what I'm doing. I just hope that God's covering his eyes during the naughty parts of my life. Poor kid.

Softball

So I started playing softball with people from my husbands work about a week ago. Last night was our 4th practice and "T" took my car to work, so I caught a ride with my friend Jess. And we were LATE. So we get to the park and finally find the team and get ready to go in the field. There's a couple new people and one pops around the corner and introduces herself to me. Her name is Miranda and she says I look familiar. I knew who she was as she walked around the corner. She was the only nurse that had ANY positivity in ER when I was there that first night everything happened. She's one hell of an awesome lady. And she's married to one of the guys that work with "T". I couldn't believe it! I believe people are put in our paths for a reason. I'm just wondering what she's here for. Again :)